Following a thought. I won’t delve too much into each part, it will be more like a flow of consciousness.
I’ve always felt like an alien. Honestly, I’ve always felt like other people didn’t have a brain like mine. I’ve always spent lots of time in my head, building worlds, defending against intrusive thoughts. I’ll also admit that I've always felt special.
There are some aspects of my mind that sometimes become issues. Hypersensitivity, nostalgia, brain constantly thinking, all the jazz related to OCD, hyper-empathy, hyper-sympathy, too fervid memory, and many other things. I’ve always been a very sensitive child, but this aspect of mine increased a lot after seeing for the first time the negative aspects of life, which until 2 years ago I thought were simply a fairy tale. A mirage.
Now when I see an act of humanity, or another human being suffering, I feel like crying. Same thing for hyper-empathy and hyper-sympathy. Sometimes these sensations are too much to handle. OCD is simply a pain. I am tired of all the intrusive thoughts, tics, and whatever.
I think I might have ADHD too. Why do I say this? Because in all my life I couldn't focus for more than a couple of months on a topic without getting extremely bored, and thus, shifting to another one. I lose what people are saying when speaking to me many times, and I get bored easily about many things. I have periods of hyperfocus and lots of other symptoms.
This has been a great source of frustration because I am a multipotential guy, with two big interests: drawing and math, and I couldn't become great in any of them. I was never able to focus for enough time to reach mastery. It makes me sad because I feel like a “jack of every trade but master of none,” which is not what I wanted to be. Furthermore, even by being good in many things but not great in one, I don't feel I am closer to my goals.
I would really like to become a great artist (from a technical POV) or a mathematician. The greatest foe in this path is my mind, which can’t focus for years on a single one of them. I always have too many fukin ideas. Very cool ideas, but none of them will see the light of day, because I can’t fukin focus enough to complete them.
I feel like I am the “idea” guy, and I fukin hate it. I feel like I have a good potential for many things, but I am not able to make use of it and fulfill it. I even think I have a decent IQ, that would allow me to do many things, but I am using like 20% of it. I am not living at my full potential.
What scares me is that I fear I may be doomed to live in this loop of frustration forever, always circling around my goals without ever reaching them. Everything that I know I've learned by myself, which brought me to a good level. But I want to reach the next level, where talent alone isn’t enough. And my lack of consistency, lack of focus over an extended period of time, is crucial.
I am proud of myself for where I am now, but I would like to feel I’ve accomplished something concrete, that I’ve reached one of my goals. From an outside point of view, I am an intriguing guy: I am intelligent, I am funny, smart, can sing, can draw, can do math, know lots of things. My GF thinks I have a high IQ. I don’t feel any of that… I feel mediocre.
I am envious of those who, despite not having as many interests and talents as me, were capable of earning a degree, or simply sticking to a schedule. I am the definition of an under-achiever… I am the definition of black and white, of “from zero to one hundred.” I don’t know what “shades of gray” means; it’s not in my dictionary. And I hate it!
And I know that the neurotic aspect of it is because of my low self-esteem, stemming from the lack of acknowledgement from my father during my childhood. I simply would like to be like everyone else in this aspect of life.
The only thing that I can do for extended periods of time is playing video games. And I cannot play them for like an hour a day; they quickly become addictions, and I end up spending lots of hours that could be used in a more productive way. Whenever I play games, I feel extremely guilty. I’ve wasted hundreds of hours on video games.
And it’s not like if I don’t play video games I use all those hours in a productive way. I feel I am improving little by little on many other aspects of my life but not this. I am meditating, I moved with my GF, I’ll start traveling again, and I am trying to accept myself more.
But you know, video games ruin everything. I’ve just uninstalled League of Legends because in the past month I haven’t been doing anything other than playing it. All my projects, all my meditations, all of the books that I wanted to read. Nothing. And also playing that fuckin game did nothing other than fill me with rage and stress.
Why do I always start good with nice plans, with cool schedules filled with healthy things, and then end up doing the opposite? I always end up doing unhealthy things, addicted to games.
Other than that, I also have strange thoughts regarding life. I feel like I am not a human being, and that the features that define me are just a set of parameters that surround a flow of consciousness. The consciousness is something constant throughout time and space. Sometimes I feel like life is just a loop repeating itself forever.
The parameters that surround consciousness change (cycle of death and rebirth), but the consciousness stays the same. But sometimes I find these cycles to be worthless, boring, useless. It’s as if nature wanted to conceal this cycle from humans, giving them the illusion of having a life full of choices, full of meaning. But this is just a lie.
Life is like a pattern that each of us follows, searching for a meaning. Big illusion. And so by following this reasoning, I feel like I’ve lived many lives. And this is where my powerful imagination and memory play a role. They both concur in creating visions of my past. Like if they were from a person living in those years.
Especially the 90s, which I don’t know why are stuck so hard in my mind, why I feel like I belong so much to those years. And it’s strange because at maximum I was 9 years old during that decade. Also, my brain gives me a nostalgia that is too strong for me to bear.
I feel like I am a guy living in the 90s and the reality that I am experiencing now is just a dream. And now I want to wake up from that dream. Also, having a memory that remembers—or creates—the taste, sound, look of everything and also the thoughts that I was having in those memories. Sometimes it’s too strong.
There are songs that trigger a trip back to the 90s. And they fill me with this freaking nostalgia. It’s curious to notice that those ten years for me feel like an eternity, like a whole universe stuck perpetually in those years. Lol even though 10 years pass relatively quickly XD.
Lots of times when I see people, my brain thinks of the thousands of thoughts that can fill their mind. Also, I feel compassion. They look like scared animals trying to find meaning, trying to fight their fears, striving for a sense of belonging to this or that group. Trying to be happy.
I don’t know why but I pity them—and yes, I know I am part of that group too. I am tired of all the worlds that my mind creates, all those stimuli. I want a little bit of peace.
Why do I have anxiety sometimes?
In my model of consciousness, we are alive just when we are conscious about it. We know that we are sleeping because of a series of evident factors. If we weren’t dreaming, weren’t tired, etc., we wouldn’t know that in those moments we weren’t conscious. There would be a void. A void that we wouldn’t even know was there because we can only perceive reality.
Yes, if things around us changed we would notice something was off, but in a vacuum, we wouldn’t discern moments of unconsciousness. And death is just that: lack of consciousness. So in my model, since we cannot perceive “voids,” death would be just an infinitesimal moment between the perception of reality from one individual to another (one born in that exact same instant).
So, theoretically, there wouldn’t be anything to be scared of, right? Life is just consciousness, and consciousness is constant throughout reality. I could refine my model in depth but, honestly, I don’t want to spend hours on it. Let me know if the concept is clear enough.
Now, why do I feel anxious? Yes, it’s because of suffering. And the thought of suffering is boosted by my OCD, which makes me feel like I have the worst disease possible constantly. But in my model, dying from a disease should just be ending a play with a character to start a new game with another character.
I mean, in my model, I shouldn’t have almost any fear, because theoretically, consciousness wouldn’t even cease to exist—just shift to another person. And with this point of view, life seems something almost fake, like a hyper-realistic game, always with the same challenges.
Also, you’ll never know if your memories are true or are simply thoughts implanted in your brain. Like in a simulation. You won’t even know if reality is real or is just a simulation. Wow. I know these thoughts are useless. Who cares?
I say this because sometimes I feel like I am just a flow of consciousness in a game. This loop feels like it happened billions of times throughout history, and that my consciousness is a constant flow throughout eternity. A thread that links billions of lives throughout eternity. I am just one of many.
Why do I have to think so much? Why do I feel like these are deep thoughts even though people think it’s something obvious? Maybe because I “feel” too much? I don’t know.
Maybe I’ve lived too much in symbiosis with my GF in the past 3 years, and whenever she goes abroad, leaving me alone here, I feel lonely and my mind starts thinking. Is anxiety something normal in the life of a person?
I think that I should avoid too many stimuli. My mind already produces too many thoughts; I can’t contain everything. It’s too much. As a matter of fact, playing games loads me with stimulus which after a month starts to give me anxiety. Maybe I need to chill more. To be calmer. And be overstimulated sparingly.
A question: why do I feel not gifted and gifted at the same time? And why sometimes do I ask myself: "Maybe you have none of these things. Maybe you have no OCD, no ADHD, and you are surely not gifted. Maybe you are just playing that part just to feel more valuable, an act of self-commiseration. Maybe you hope to have all of those traits because they are linked to being special, and you crave to be considered special. Maybe you are just an insecure person who wants acknowledgement. Maybe you are an impostor?"
I also always thought that I never did anything valuable, that I’ve always done things that everyone does.
Please, these are just my opinions, my thoughts; don’t consider me arrogant.
Let me expand on a few points. I just came back from a live show where one of my bros played guitar. It was a solo show. He is an incredible guitarist. While the show was playing in front of me, my mind produced a whole range of new thoughts and refined some of those that I have developed previously.
I am really hypersensitive. To me, it seems like people have a sort of armor that shields them from emotions; they can feel them, but their intensity is really limited. On top of their armor, they also have a helmet with two small fissures for the eyes, and no openings for the ears. This lets them see and perceive only a reduced range of emotions.
Me, on the other hand, I am a naked body without skin, a naked expanse of nerves that touch the air and everything surrounding them. I don’t have eyes, ears, and mouth. My brain is exposed and it’s not a common brain; it’s a blend of a traditional brain and all the sensorial organs that mixes everything together into a single organ capable of feeling, seeing, hearing, tasting everything that is real.
A typical case of “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.”
The result? I feel too much, I perceive too many things, and my brain interprets external stimuli too much, creating a storm of millions of thoughts linked together, and oftentimes I feel overwhelmed by this huge universe of thoughts and sensations. It’s almost destabilizing.
Imagine looking at a movie where each frame is different and each frame contains a different story, a different movie. And even though it’s just a frame, you are able to see the entire movie, the entire frame, in less than an instant. Not only that, but you are able to feel every sensation, every thought, every emotion of the subject of each movie.
It’s like perceiving innumerable lives all at once. Different scenarios, different ages, different situations. Different but linked together. Each connection gives life to another chain, another universe of thoughts, permutation after permutation. I see life in all its possibilities.
This is what my brain does to me. I feel like I've understood life on another level. Mind you, I feel like I’ve understood the pattern of life, even though I can’t fully explain it. And with pattern, I don't mean basic stuff like “life is study, work, have a family, death.”
What I mean is basically what I told you before. Biological life creates a strange phenomenon called consciousness. Our body, our physical and psychological features are just parameters that dress consciousness. Consciousness is a flow. A constant flow through space and time and reality itself. Without consciousness, reality loses its meaning.
Consciousness is a constant flow that, through space and time and through a rearrangement—a mix—of new parameters (living different lives), we are able to flavor all the different parts of existence. This lets us create new parameters. We are stimulated by another set of parameters, the ones that create reality.
So when I heard those notes, I not only felt the strings of the guitar being pinched, but I also saw some of the hidden components of reality. I saw a hidden dimension. You know, almost like seeing the backend of reality. I perceive the strangely low-level constructs that generate reality for humans.
Also, I felt like those moments were the intersection of a set of lives from different realities in different spaces and times. To give you an example: imagine an infinite set of lines intersecting at one point. All those lines represent the life of an infinite number of me and/or other people. The lines are not straight, so they can intersect at infinite points together.
And the problematic thing is that in each one of those moments (intersections) I see and feel everything from the infinite numbers of lines. It’s like being surrounded by a giant spherical screen. Each pixel is a movie, a life. I can see and perceive all those pixels at the same time.
I can feel what the protagonist of those pixels feels, thinks, whatever; I am/was/will be each one of those. So I can’t think of death as anything other than a new perception of consciousness but with a new set of internal and external parameters. It’s another pixel on the screen.
Maybe in the “screen” that surrounded me this evening, I saw some of my past lives, some of my future lives, and some lives happening in parallel. I feel like I am existing in infinite different universes, in infinite different configurations, at the same time. Each universe in the macro reality that contains all types of reality has intersections of all these infinite universes.
In those points of intersections, I perceive all the infinite configurations. Maybe the images from the 90s that I see in my head are from those intersections. Maybe I felt that I was there because in one of the intersections there was a me from the 90s.
My model is eternal. Metaphysically speaking. Consciousness is eternal. We can perceive only if we are conscious.
In any case, I perceive too many things. Sometimes this overwhelming amount of images, sounds, thoughts (almost like they are from millions of beings), etc., scares me. I feel like a child surrounded by the whole scary universe. Massive and imposing.
Tomorrow I should wake up for work, but I don’t give a fuck. I think writing this is exponentially more important (I will work anyway).
Maybe it’s also for this that I don’t feel so satisfied with myself. Sometimes I feel like normal jobs are not for me. That I am here for something higher. To show people this side of reality. To help them fulfill one of the cycles of consciousness in the best way possible. A farseer among blind people. I’ll be their eyes.
And maybe my frustration is that I can perceive the deepest layers of reality with all my senses. But to communicate those visions with them I would need mastery in many things: writing, drawing, music, moviemaking. Because the experience that I need to communicate must encompass every sense. It can’t be expressed by a single one of those mediums. And unfortunately, my brain doesn’t want to reach mastery.
And yeah, I am not always like this. Sometimes I am more vain. Maybe I like games because they partially remove me from the constant work of my mind. I am focused on other things other than the storm of thoughts that populate my mind.
I hope I am not crazy. Saying these things scares me a little bit. Tonight, while hearing a cover of "Sweet Child o' Mine," I saw what thousands of other people saw while hearing that song. I felt what was in Axl Rose’s mind while he sang that song for the first time. I perceived his internal force.
I saw the immense flow of consciousnesses floating in the vacuum of the macro reality. I can travel there. This is what my brain produces. Maybe I am just a wannabe smart guy. Maybe I am delusional…. Who knows.
The storm of sensations sometimes makes me cry. Not because it’s sad, but for its sheer intensity.